These are the expedition logs of Larson J. Pendelton Ross the III esquire, Archduke of Canterbury.
Transcribed into modern day English by Larson Ross, descendent of the Archduke.
He
was traveling the arctic in search of the legendary Japanese Pandacorn,
whose horn he was going to use to make a potent aphrodisiac, with his
trusty team of explorer/servants. The most notable of the group,
besides the archduke himself, was Jeremy, a ten year old lizard boy
taken from the Amazon Rainforest.
September 2, 1885:
Spirits
are high... Jeremy is higher. The boy got into Stephanie’s opium stash
and now he’s running around the ice like an Irishman with his head cut
off.
September 4, 1885:
Higgins is dead, he met his end at the tip of an Eskimo spear.
Fortunately, the Eskimos, in exchange for a meal of roast Higgins,
allowed us to stay in their igloos as long as we like. I can’t help but
feel as though we should get back on the trail of the Pandacorn, but
the stripper-gloo is too hard to leave, Jeremy agrees.
September 5, 1885:
Jeremy
tried to touch the holy walrus tusk of slightly above-average running
ability, the chief was furious and threw him out of the ice temple. In
retribution, Jeremy attempted to set fire to the village, a short
sighted plan considering that the village is carved from ice.
Nevertheless, the Eskimos were angry and chased us from the village.
September 7, 1885:
It’s
been two full days on the run, I haven’t had time to run as we hadn’t
lost the Eskimos until early today. I have to hand it to them, they
don’t give up easily, and their seal-mounts are surprisingly fast on the
ice. If they ever find our trail again, I plan to offer up Jeremy as a
payment in exchange for the lives of the rest of the group.
September 8, 1885:
The
Higgins jerky is running low. Admittedly, it was not the brightest of
ideas to bring a cold-blooded creature to the Arctic in winter, Jeremy
spends most of the day sleeping. I’ve made Johnson carry him upon his
shoulders because I refuse to leave him behind, as he would make a good
meal later, and I wouldn’t feel the painful misery of cannibalism.
September 9, 1885:
It’s colder than a kilt-wearing Scotsman during a Yorkshire winter.
September 10, 1885:
We
stumbled upon another hunter of the Pandacorn, the majestic yeti. It’s
beauty and grace astound me, so I was the one to shoot it in the back
like a retreating French soldier and skin it for my tent rug.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Monday, April 16, 2012
The Greatest Ever
Featured Photographer Emily Merlin- #2
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