Saved

By Larson Ross

I see the light, I have been saved! And it’s all thanks to one man who took time out of His life to take time out of mine. I was on a date, sitting outside an ice cream shop with my girlfriend, when He parted the sea of people and came up to us. Obviously, I was up to blasphemous actions, or he wouldn’t have come, but I’m still at a loss as to what those were, but I’m ever so grateful that He saw into my soul and judged me in need of a spiritual intervention. “I can see you guys are having a nice time,” he so  humbly said. “I want you to get back to that, so I’ll make this short.” He then quickly spent the next ten minutes explaining the teachings of Jesus and the dangers of the sins that I was surely committing, though He had not seen them.

When, alas, he took his leave, he gave me a gift of one million dollars. Well, a fake piece of million dollar currency which had upon it words informing me that I was going to Hell because in my past I had looked upon a woman with lust. The evil in me initially made me reject these words as pompous and false, but as I sat there, his message tore through my thoughts like a bear through an orphanage. What if He was right? I didn’t want to go to Hell. I had already looked upon a woman with lust, and the one million dollars made no mention of possible repentance. Surely, though, this glorious crusador wouldn’t simply tell me of my unavoidable damnation just to feel superior to us shameful barbarians. He must have been trying to save my soul, so I accepted His god into my heart, and avoided looking at my female companion for the remainder of the night. Tomorrow, I promised myself, I shall change my horrible tendencies.

And thus, I doned horse blinders. These were effective for a time, but they didn’t solve the problem of seeing women directly in my line of sight. So, I took the logical next step and gouged my eyes out. Now there’s absolutely no danger of me spying a woman again! I know to some, this may seem a little extreme. I can understand that, and I hope you enjoy being boiled for eternity along with the likes of Hitler and Martin Luther King Jr.; he was married, after all.

Say what you will about my actions, but I care not, for I am free! Free to commit horrible acts of violence and engage in ridiculous amounts of sexual depravity without the fear of cosmic punishment. And boy, did I take advantage of these freedoms, for I was right in the eyes of God. However, soon, missionaries from other churches came to my door. I couldn’t refuse them, you see, because I had no idea that they were missionaries at first, due to my condition. They talked of their deities and how I was sinning in their eyes as well. Again, I’m an easily frightened individual, and I didn’t want to be banished to a horrible underworld in their religions, because they might be right as well. So, I accepted all religions that I was exposed to, to guarantee my salvation in at least one, if not more, afterlife.

And thus, I have officially become the world’s first Jenova’s Christian Islamic Hindu Shinto Manson Family follower of The Later Day Saints, and I couldn’t be happier, or more worried.