What We Missed in the NHL

by Brian Heissenbuttel

Sadly, this years NHL season has been shortened due to the lockout. It is such a shame that we already missed some of the drama that professional hockey always provides. At least we can be thankful that everyone will not miss the opportunity to see the Toronto Maple Leafs hoist the Stanley Cup. Most analysts would’ve thought a team such as the Coyotes, Kings or Rangers would hoist the trophy this year. But they’re all wrong.

Toronto’s severe lack of skilled players worked in their favor this year, thanks to an imminent lack of offseason drama. They didn’t need to worry about any contractual issues with good players, since they have none. Being the NHL’s dumpster doesn’t seem so bad all of a sudden. Also, think about how much money the Toronto franchise earned over the years selling paper bags for fans to wear. In the interval where no games were played, what would’ve happened is still very predictable.

First of all, despite being retired, Peter Forseberg will injure himself at least four times, either through a mild golfing injury and a serious lawn mower injury. Second, Roberto Luongo will have yet another fantastic season and will become Vancouver’s biggest social pariah every time the Canucks lose.

Nobody will know or care about the Central conference until the second round of the playoffs. Sure, one game when the Blackhawks play the Red Wings may be televised, the press doesn’t want to be near the division containing the Blue Jackets. The Blackhawks will have a successful regular season but have their goaltenders fail in the playoffs. So will the Red Wings, only with fewer own goals in the process.

In the Pacific division, Dallas will endure another year of sadness and remorse, while the San Jose Sharks will come into the playoffs for the sixth year in a row thinking that it’s finally their year. Warning-choking hazard.

The Eastern Conference will be simple. Florida gets back to their golf game as quickly as possible and the Capitals will suffocate once Ovechkin inevitably stops scoring.

Boston would’ve won their division, Toronto would’ve won the cup (obviously), and Montréal fans will be complaining how their team isn’t good anymore. Sorry guys, World War II is over. Do the Buffalo Sabres still exist? I’m not sure.

In the Atlantic division, Lundqvist will do well (again), Sidney Crosby will score at least 50 goals (again), and there will be a lot of controversy surrounding Martin Brodeur and his age (again).

I am just as sad as many people are about the NHL season being shortened. Though we are upset about the Joe Louis Arena having a quiet new year, at least we can all find comfort in the fact that San Jose will be torn to pieces yet again in the playoffs, and (obviously) the Toronto Maple Leafs will win the Stanley Cup.