A Goodbye To 'The Office'

A Farewell To The Office
by Brett Stewart

This evening, the series finale of the NBC show 'The Office' aired. After 9 years on the air, the show came to a close with a return of Michael Scott, the marriage of Dwight and Angela and the resolution of each character's story-line. This short post is designed to be a reflection of the show as a whole -

Whenever I wear my Dunder Mifflin Paper Company shirt, I always get the comments, "You still watch that show?" and, "It started to suck after Steve Carrell left." I whole heartily disagree with the latter.

The show has always been wonderful. For 9 years, it was more than entertaining, and it was certainly more than a TV comedy. It was a commentary on life. The love-longing Michael Scott, the socially awkward, but good hearted Dwight, the blissfully ignorant Andy, even the depressive Toby. Almost everyone can relate to someone on this show, because the characters always faced real problems. Marital and relationship troubles, troubles at work with an incompetent boss, conflicts between coworkers, and life getting in the way. Having kids, buying homes, moving on to new horizons, hell, even Oscar being sexually harassed by Michael Scott in the workplace after coming out gay was a social commentary on the average American workplace.

The finale tonight was wonderful, and it's only appropriate that the Office left on the note of resolving each character's issues. I sincerely hope that our generation comes to realize that 'The Office' was our Seinfeld. Twenty years from now, TBS and NBC will still be running re-runs of the show every week night, because it made a permanent mark on TV history.

Dear John Mayer , - A Rant

Dear John Mayer,

Like a disapproving parent, always with the belief that their child can reach their potential (But secretly knowing this is an unachievable feat) if they actually put forward effort… I write this rant to you.

Let’s be honest here. Let’s be really honest. Every single one of your albums does have its hidden gem, its diamond it the rough, so to speak. Do you know why? I do. It’s because you are a legitimately very talented guitarist, you are well versed in the blues, and tracks like “Bold as Love” let that shine. Your excellent skills revive well aged songs like “Crossroads” and “Free Falling” in a wonderful fashion that make them appeal to both the musically inept teenage fan-girl, and the older, more matured ear.

But then you go and screw it all up. You listen to your executives, the people who threw you a bone with “Room for Squares” and you've been at their feet ever since. They groom you for stadium sized fan-girl deafening “Your Baaaaa—ddyy is a Wonderlanndd” crap.

They told me this was stylish! 

The recurring problem is this – you are appealing to the mass, which causes you to throw away a lot of your potential.

Then, you run away from your manly-tears, hugs and kisses roots, and go in the other completely opposite direction. You wake up one morning and decide to grow your hair out like you want to look like Johnny Depp with a sense of fashion, but the end result is just a Neil Young who got lost in Urban Outfitters.

You have potential. (See video above) Let’s be honest, do you want your legacy to be breakup songs about Jennifer Aniston, or do you want to go down in history with some of the greatest blues guitarists to have ever graced the stage? You can get there, you are there in many ways, tap into that.

Cautiously Optimistic,

Brett Stewart

Also, please refrain from obnoxious dialogues in the presence of greatness, especially if they are annoying said greatness. (See Video) Nevertheless, that's still some damn good guitar playing. 

The Turntable - The Modern Music Formula: Flawed & Broken

The Turntable - The Modern Music Formula: Flawed & Broken

The modern music formula is flawed and broken. Present day society, technological advancements in the musical marketplace, and a growing demand of one hit wonders adds to the disaster that is the current musical standard. With this column, I’ll take a look at why this is, what causes it, and what the inevitable outcome will be. 

While it pioneered the modern way we buy and listen to music, iTunes has destroyed the need and expectation of a decent album. In the 60’s and 70’s, an artist had to take great care in writing and designing the best tracks possible, because on LP, you had to buy and listen to it all! You couldn’t pick what track you wanted, and you couldn’t really skip to one with ease, either. That’s why artists had to care about each song on the album. For a wonderful example of this, see my Classic Album Review of Born to Run to be posted later this week. 

Fun: A Band That Embodies Everything Wrong. 

When iTunes came along, artists could decide to not give a flying crap, as long as their title track was half-way decent. Let’s face it, do you honestly know, or like, any of the other songs from Some Nights aside from the title track and We Are Young? 

When you love a band of whom you only actually know one song from, an issue arises: It creates a musically shallow society with lack of diverse taste — or good taste — and it also creates an opportunity for bands to create a formula that they know you’ll keep buying. Take Mumford & Sons for example, a rare band in today’s music, considering they are creating a mainstream folk sound, and are legitimately talented. Even they have created a formula that they know you will keep buying over and over, so they really don’t have to do much work from album to album. (Will upload my Mumford & Sons Song Formula this week as well)

Finally, the latter creates one giant issue. If bands are allowed to create crappy albums with one or two good songs, and they are allowed to make each of those albums sound basically the same as the last... then where does our generation create musical legacies? Do you really think AWOL NATION is going to be our generation’s Beatles, Bob Dylan, or Bruce Springsteen? Do we really have any bands or artists that hold longevity? Every great artist who has stood the test of time hasn’t used this formula. They created masterpiece albums over a massive musical career spanning decades and generations because they were constantly updating their sound and changing their music. I suppose we’ll have to wait and see, but something tells me that when we play music for our kids, we’ll be playing them our parent’s music, not ours, because ours won’t hold the legacy or stand the time.

- Brett Stewart - Editor & Publisher of Strike - Columnist for the Turntable.

The Quantum Age and You

The Future is Awesome:

The Quantum Age and You

by Joe Redmond

Your computer is out-dated. No matter how hard you try, your tech will never keep up with ever-changing—and improving—world of computers. In the 1940’s, a computer was someone who did your taxes with a slide rule. Now, it’s the single most revolutionary piece of anything anywhere. There isn’t one aspect of life that the information age has not impacted (save possibly government).

The computer changed stock trading, the classroom, social interaction, the space industry, global culture—the list goes on. Computers provide a place to communicate efficiently, organize logically, and spread ideas to the masses. That’s a revolution.

What if I told you that it isn’t over? What happens when the “digital age” goes down in the history books as nothing more than a transitional period? There’s something more on the horizon, ladies and gentlemen. Something faster. Something a little more confusing.

Traditional digital technology relies on what tech geeks have come to call “Moore’s law,” essentially stating that computer processing power will double every year and a half. What that translates to is this: if your computer is three years old, then the latest computers are four times faster. Except, this isn’t really a “law” as we might understand from science class. “Moore’s law” simply expresses how some guy at Intel expected computers to improve back in 1965. Companies have followed this claim because it’s convenient for predicting where the industry will be in a few years down the road—in essence, a self-fulfilling prophecy. Also, calling something a law is much cooler than calling it a “general guideline,” apparently.

But what happens when silicon, the basis for microprocessors and what makes your computer work, can’t get any smaller? What happens when the size of a chip becomes constrained by the very size of its atoms? That would mean that the digital computer can’t ever get any faster and more powerful without getting bigger, too. Moore’s law has a definite limit as long as we stick with silicon computers because of the way they’re structured.

Digital computers rely on “bits,” or 1’s and 0’s, corresponding to “on” or “off.” Therefore, in order to represent a number or word, digital computers have to rely on strings of 1’s and 0’s. Quantum computers, in theory, would not be restrained to such a simplistic and relatively inefficient view of information. These “qubits” (quantum bits) could be a 1, a 0, or anything in between. Quantum data could be “on,” “off,” or “sorta-on/off, depending on how you look at it.”

So, what does this mean? The human brain is different than contemporary computers in a few ways, the most prevalent being that humans can think about and do multiple things at once. Digital computers, however, are generally constrained to doing one task at a time, dividing up its power between buffering your video, playing your music, displaying your video chat, and uploading your photo to Facebook. That’s what makes it slow down. However, quantum computers will be able do all of that at once, without even breaking a sweat.

The most technically demanding processes we can devise for computers nowadays—playing beautiful video games, downloading large files, or even graphing multi-variable calculus—would be a synch for the computers of tomorrow. Like the human brain, quantum computers will be able to think about many things at once. Some humans possess the remarkable ability to juggle apples while singing (awesome), unlike your computer, which would juggle the apples, and then sing. The computer you’ll get in 20 years, however, would juggle apples, sing, teach you how to juggle apples and sing, all while making your coffee.

Crude example aside, quantum computers actually have the ability to revolutionize the world yet again into what I’m calling the “Quantum Age.” Cars will be able to talk to each other on the fly, avoiding crashes, while driving themselves via GPS. Halo 10 could have hundreds of players facing each other in a single round. Each gene could be hand-picked in newborn babies to ensure a generation of geniuses—or a generation of Coca Cola lovers.

There are still a few obstacles in the way of making commercial quantum computers, namely our understanding of quantum physics. Suffice it to say that we needed a way to measure quantum states, and now we pretty much have it, thanks to some dudes in Switzerland. (For more, look up Nobel Prize in Physics 2012, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.)

In the future, information will move even faster. Parents will become even more technologically illiterate. Your computer will become even smarter, probably smarter than you. In the Quantum Age, the best computers will be more powerful than anything we can concoct today. But more importantly, in the Quantum Age, your computer will still be out-dated.

The future is awesome.

What We Missed in the NHL

by Brian Heissenbuttel

Sadly, this years NHL season has been shortened due to the lockout. It is such a shame that we already missed some of the drama that professional hockey always provides. At least we can be thankful that everyone will not miss the opportunity to see the Toronto Maple Leafs hoist the Stanley Cup. Most analysts would’ve thought a team such as the Coyotes, Kings or Rangers would hoist the trophy this year. But they’re all wrong.

Toronto’s severe lack of skilled players worked in their favor this year, thanks to an imminent lack of offseason drama. They didn’t need to worry about any contractual issues with good players, since they have none. Being the NHL’s dumpster doesn’t seem so bad all of a sudden. Also, think about how much money the Toronto franchise earned over the years selling paper bags for fans to wear. In the interval where no games were played, what would’ve happened is still very predictable.

First of all, despite being retired, Peter Forseberg will injure himself at least four times, either through a mild golfing injury and a serious lawn mower injury. Second, Roberto Luongo will have yet another fantastic season and will become Vancouver’s biggest social pariah every time the Canucks lose.

Nobody will know or care about the Central conference until the second round of the playoffs. Sure, one game when the Blackhawks play the Red Wings may be televised, the press doesn’t want to be near the division containing the Blue Jackets. The Blackhawks will have a successful regular season but have their goaltenders fail in the playoffs. So will the Red Wings, only with fewer own goals in the process.

In the Pacific division, Dallas will endure another year of sadness and remorse, while the San Jose Sharks will come into the playoffs for the sixth year in a row thinking that it’s finally their year. Warning-choking hazard.

The Eastern Conference will be simple. Florida gets back to their golf game as quickly as possible and the Capitals will suffocate once Ovechkin inevitably stops scoring.

Boston would’ve won their division, Toronto would’ve won the cup (obviously), and Montréal fans will be complaining how their team isn’t good anymore. Sorry guys, World War II is over. Do the Buffalo Sabres still exist? I’m not sure.

In the Atlantic division, Lundqvist will do well (again), Sidney Crosby will score at least 50 goals (again), and there will be a lot of controversy surrounding Martin Brodeur and his age (again).

I am just as sad as many people are about the NHL season being shortened. Though we are upset about the Joe Louis Arena having a quiet new year, at least we can all find comfort in the fact that San Jose will be torn to pieces yet again in the playoffs, and (obviously) the Toronto Maple Leafs will win the Stanley Cup.

The Beauty of a Short

There is so much beauty in a short story. People think I'm crazy, but it's true! Just take a moment to think about all the character history the author has in his head and think about how he really wanted the story to end. Of course, you'll never know any of this. But that's the fun: the guessing. Does the dragon slayer live? Does the girl kill the guy who showed up in her house? Did those people really just get into a car crash and die?

Those are the questions I have at the end of amazing short stories. The ones where you want to throw something, anything, at the wall because they end in the most fantastic and frustratingly beautiful spots. People can die in less than three pages. They can fall in love, they can have an epiphany.

A short story with a crazy ending

And you don't have to know anything about the characters to appreciate the writing. You could have an anonymous character and still feel like a part of you dies when the last period is placed. Or maybe the author left off in the middle of a sentence. That's always fun!

Maybe my sense of fun is a little bit skewered.

Reading short stories is entertaining, but so it writing them. There are pros and cons to writing a short story. It's much easier to just come up with scenes of a character's life and highlight that one moment that makes for a good story. For a novel, you have to come up with a whole world and a whole plot, with a beginning, a climax, and an end (or a thrilling cliffhanger). The length of a short story is easy and can be done fairly quickly. Unless you scrap it seventeen times.

However, sometimes a short story feels too short. You want to fall in love with your characters and your world, to make them your best friends and your worst enemies. You can't develop them in a short story, or tell your readers about their strange obsessions with foreign cheeses, especially if your story is about fighting a unicorn.

But at the same time, sometimes you can't get attached to the characters, because they all die. This is tragic, but you can usually learn a lot when this happens.

A short story where everyone dies but you learn a lot (Disclaimer: everyone dies.)

And then, of course, there are the really really weird short stories when you have no idea what happened, and might be a little grossed out. There are probably exponential amounts of stories like these on the internet, but I haven't read any that come to mind. I'm sure you could learn from those too though, if you tried.

That's where the true beauty lies. When you read a short story and discover something about the world, or others, or yourself. When you are the one who falls in love and has an epiphany. That is what really makes a short story beautiful.

Come to the dark side…Mickey?

There are few movies that stand the test of time. Star Wars is one of them. The six films

that director George Lucas released are must-watches, so much so that they are almost an adulthood “right-of-passage.” Apparently, Disney thought so too. Recently, Disney decided that it was high time for another Star Wars adventure to begin.
         
This is a very risky decision for Disney. The entire Star Wars franchise has been on the societal popularity decline for quite some time now. Most avid Star Wars fans would agree that Star Wars Episodes One, Two, and Three were not nearly as impressive as the earlier produced Episodes, Four, Five, and Six. Some attribute this to the acting, the addition of unnecessary characters (our “favorite” Gungan Jar Jar), and many other aspects which degraded the overall reputation of the Star Wars franchise.
         
Despite all these factors, Disney must see potential. Their plan for making sixth, seventh, and eighth movies has fans everywhere trembling with uncertainty.

Fans could be in store for a world of disappointment should Disney botch this next movie. With fans already on the edge with the past three movies, they will be wary of these new movies. The largest reason that people fell in love with Episodes Four, Five, and Six was for their believable and engaging feel. When they were being made, little of today’s movie editing technology was available to them. Therefore, having to physically make most of the settings and props, the movies carried with them a feeling of realism that made you feel as though you were part of the adventure. Because we can assume that Disney will continue to use CGI and modern filming techniques, unlike the film in 1977, it would be fair to suggest that fans may still feel the same way about these new films as they did for Episodes One, Two, and Three.

However, it is important to note that Disney does have a keen eye for potential. After buying the Marvel franchise, Disney proceeded to invest in the production of the summer blockbuster, The Avengers. By recognizing this potential, Disney was able to rake in one billion dollars. While they are taking a risk, it had paid off once; might as well try their chance again.

So what does this all mean? We should plan for the seventh episode of Star Wars to be a box office smasher, or at the least, a medium grossing movie. Fans will certainly  go to it on opening night, but if after that, if it does not receive positive reviews, movie-goers everywhere will return to watch the original films instead of watching their favorite childhood franchise fall into the pit of ruined classics.

Reasons to Quit Facebook, and Responses to Your Excuses

I've decided to do it. It’s a big life decision, but I think I can do it. It’s like buying a new car, or becoming a Packers fan. It’s a big decision that will impact my lifestyle greatly: quitting Facebook.

So I’m sure you are asking, why quit Facebook? Where’s your beef with da Book’? I shall tell you in a bulleted list, because everything is better in a bulleted list!

• I Have Better Things to Do (And no, that doesn't mean Twitter.)

Facebook is the biggest time waste on the planet. I can’t even begin to tell you how many hours I’ve spent staring at statuses from people I don’t care about, memes or literally the dumbest things. Hell, most statuses are about how people are wasting time not doing what they are supposed to be doing. So now, I’m doing my entire lab report at 3 in the morning the day its due because I wasted my time reading about other people wasting their time on the same important thing. It’s the circle of procrastination. That brings me to my next item….

Here's you IQ... now, here's your IQ after being inflicted permanent IQ loss from reading Jeremy's dumbass posts.

• Procrastination

I don’t need to explain this. You know it’s there, and you know Facebook one of the largest contributing factors to not actually doing something beneficial with your life…. And again, that doesn't mean twitter you jack-wagon.

• The Stalking & Comparing

You've Facebook stalked someone. You know you have, don’t try and hide it. Maybe you found this Facebook stalking someone who liked this. Either way, it’s a waste of time, and honestly, very dumb. More so, and this is especially for you girls, Facebook is a fantastic tool for comparing your lives to those of your peers, or that random dude you friended who has the same name as you. (You know you have him….) What I’m getting at, is that why does it benefit you to compare yourself to someone else or stalk someone else? It’s not for your betterment or theirs, and may very well end in you not feeling too great.

When searching for images for this article, I actually found this. It's an "I hate Facebook" TIMELINE COVER.

• Cyberbullying, Dumb People, and Jack-Wagons

We've already talked about how most of your Facebook browsing is directed towards dumb people, but let’s talk about the harm it does to you, on a deeper, more emotional level. Facebook lets you actively watch cyberbullying, arguments that escalate vastly past what they actually are, (C.B.A.K – Cowards Behind A Keyboard) and mean posts. I've seen derogatory posts towards people I know, I've seen personal posts who’s only intention is to single a person out emotionally, (Ie, “I have this one friends and she’s a total be—yottch!!” Yes, I know you don’t actually say it like that, but I’m going to make you seem that dumb for posting it in the first place) and I've seen groups and movements that are founded by pure hate. In fact,  this item can go all the way down to you seeing pictures of an event your friends had that you weren't invited to. All of these factors are remarkably negative, they have no benefit in your life and just hurt you.

• Facebook Games.

No explanation needed, just imagine how much better your life would be and how much less hateful you would be if you stopped having to reject invites for any virtual games dealing with farms or mafias… or both. (It has to exist; it’s too dumb to not be on Facebook.)

Common Objections and my logical answers:

• Reconnecting with Friends!

If you actually care about what certain people have to say, and actually want to stay in touch with them… get their email, phone number, or better yet, see them in person. That’s an actual friend and a legitimate relationship. If you absolutely need Facebook to talk to certain people, only keep those people in your friends. At least limit yourself… that means you, Ms. 600 friends and counting.

• I just like to share photos and memories!

Welcome to Flickr, Google Picassa, or old fashion scrap booking. It’s the same exact thing, except now your memories are yours, instead of being accessed by everyone, their brothers, and the dude who has your college application on his desk.

• I plan events and whatnot!

Google Calendar is actually much, much more effective for this, and everyone has a Google account. In fact, Google is the answer to pretty much all of this, and everything.

• I have Facebook ‘Pages’ or important Groups!

This is actually a valid concern. I too have to be part of Facebook groups for Strike and Foglight, and I need access to Facebook Pages to monitor the Strike page and the Brett Stewart page… well, create a new account, and only monitor those things on it. If you want Facebook as a legitimate tool, use it as a legitimate tool.

With all of that said… think about it.  Maybe you’ll join me and quit Facebook for good. The social network really has no benefit to your life and if you have legitimate reasons for using it, Google has better alternatives anyway. Go live your life, don’t let Facebook rule it, or even contribute to it. We lose sight of how it’s only a website. Go ride a bike. Or fly a kite. Or fly a kite on a bike.

At least pretend to be active. Still better than Facebook. 

I am in no way responsible for any inevitable injuries attempting to fly a kite from a bike

• 
  

Why The World Loves Bob Dylan, And Maybe You Will Too

By Brett Stewart 

“The first time that I heard Bob Dylan I was in the car with my mother, and we were listening to, I think, maybe WMCA, and on came that snare shot that sounded like somebody kicked open the door to your mind, from 'Like a Rolling Stone.”

 – Bruce Springsteen inducting Bob Dylan into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gotten comments like “Why on earth do you listen to Bob Dylan?! He can’t even sing!” Or, “What’s so great about his music?” The most upsetting moment is when a kid my age is completely oblivious of him in the first place.

I’m writing this article to explain to my generation and those who don’t understand, just why Bob Dylan is so popular and will remain as a cultural icon forever.

1. Lyrics      

This will always be the first on the list with anything regarding Dylan. Dylan is the debatably the strongest lyricist and poet in rock and roll… ever. His masterpieces like ‘Mr. Tambourine Man’, ‘Visions of Johanna’, and ‘Like a Rolling Stone’ are among a massive four decade long catalog of lyrical gold. Even his weaker pieces like ‘Hurricane’ make our generation’s “lyricists” work look like Hallmark valentine cards.

The convicting and accusing question of “How does it feel?” rocked the entire musical world forever. In fact, I can’t even explain his lyrics.

“Darkness at the break of noon, shadows even the silver spoon, the handmade blade, the child’s balloon, eclipses both the sun and moon, to understand you know too soon, there’s no sense in trying.” It’s magic. (And don’t say its drugs; try to get a pothead write poetic beauty like that.)

I think the 'Don't Think Twice It's Alright' is the most beautiful song ever written. See video above.

2. The Electric Switch 

When Dylan went electric, the entire world was either overjoyed or just pissed off. When he played ‘Like a Rolling Stone’ at the Newport Folk Festival he got booed off stage… but this moment changed the history of music. Dylan went electric and everyone else followed.

3.  Post Electric Switch Trilogy

In the early 60’s Dylan was big on protest songs. ‘Blowing in the Wind’ became the poster song for the civil rights movement. When he switched electric, he had a three album trilogy of musical transformation. ‘Bringing it all Back Home,’ ‘Highway 61 Revisited,’ and ‘Blonde on Blonde.” These three albums are the foundation for rock and roll, and they’re just plain awesome. Tracks like ‘Ballad of a Thin Man,’ ‘Highway 61 Revisited,’ and my personal favorite, ‘Maggie’s Farm’ changed the way we rock.

4. Reincarnations

Dylan’s music is different than any other artist of his time, or of any time. It doesn’t die or fade away. It changes. Dylan has reincarnated himself into a different person and artist half a dozen times throughout his career.

5. Budokan

The 1979 album ‘Bob Dylan At Budokan’ is either praised as a musical masterpiece or a total P.O.S. However you feel about it, it doesn’t change the fact that an artist took 22 of his hit songs and made them a different genre. The album is basically a soul and reggae album. On its own merit, the album is outstanding.

6. It’s just good and there’s a LOT of it.

I look at my generation’s music, and it sucks. Some of it is okay or pretty good, but the vast majority of it sucks. Dylan is the refreshing light at the end of the tunnel. Not only does he have dozens of remarkable songs, he has a dozen versions of each one of those songs. He’s released over 40 albums. The Dylan catalog is vast and never ceases to entertain me. There’s always something interesting in it.

My suggestion to my generation? After you are done with this article, watch the videos in it. Get rid of the concept that it isn’t Party Rock, it’s meaningful. Just… listen to it. Get past the immediate impression that Dylan “can’t sing” and look onto WHAT he’s singing. And I promise, you’ll end up liking his voice anyway.

Oh, and then go on Spotify and listen to the catalog. Pick random songs. You’ll find something, trust me. 

Except stay away from "The Witmark Demos" and "Live 1964." I can't defend that crap... no idea what he was thinking. 

The Day Music Tried To Drag Itself Out Of Its Grave And Was Beaten Back By An Ibanez

Early this year, an album came out that changed the way we look at music, by making everything else seem like an artistic masterpiece with the vision of all the great thinkers of the renaissance and ancient Greece combined. That album happens to be Reign Of Terror by Sleigh Bells. I am going to review this album track by track; in this way, you’ll never have to subject yourself to the ear-bleeding nausea that Reign causes.

Why?

True Shred Guitar:
The only true way to start an album is clearly fake crowd fanfare. Is this Sleigh Bells warning me that only fake people can enjoy this music? Who can tell? All I know is that nothing says “Hey, this band is edgy” like having the singer curse out and try to hype up the cheer machine for the first minute of the song.The actual song starts at precisely 1:11, and I could not be more sorry that it did. The song has the perfect mixture of terrible Ibanez mashing, generic pseudo-sexual lyrics, and screaming to make it sound as though a horrendous 80’s hair metal new wave experimental band playing under a bridge breeded with garage-band drum presets. I wish I had been in the studio to hear this conversation that must have commenced: Producer 1: “How can we make this band seem dangerous?” Producer 2: “Why don’t we have the lead singer say f*#k, and then censor it the second time she says it?” Producer 1: “Sweet feathers of Quetzalcoatl, that’s brilliant!”

Born To Lose:
Opening: Plastic Ibanez squealing and an electric drum beat, and NES era boss music, we’re off to a good start. This is a slower song, showing off the singer’s actual voice, so you know what it needs? If you said “Screaming!” in triumph to your computer screen then you are both correct and possibly schizophrenic. If you instead thought “Bears” then you should be ashamed. Seriously, it’s as if the echo of the singer has tourettes. I shouldn’t have said that, it makes me yearn for some Nirvana, but I must continue. Two songs in and I already want to smash my computer like a midget in a mosh pit. This is going to be a great experience.

Crush:
Why are they trying so hard to make this sound like real arena rock? Aren’t they going for the indie appeal? Could they not fill an actual stadium? Upon reflection, that is probably true. The tourettes echo has grown more confident, I feel like it will soon take over. The only words that I can hear clearly through the blaring sludge of overzealous guitar is “I’ve got a crush on you.” With all the depth that a sixth grader has to offer, the singer goes on to explain the feeling, but I can only pick out one word every sentence or so due to the guitarist apparently thinking “You know what sounds cool? Repetitive, evenly paced barre chords played with absolutely no emotion. HEY GUYS, LISTEN TO ME! IT’S SO GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!” No, shut up. My anger is now Liam Neeson in Taken levels.

End Of The Line:
Hm, some peaceful, slow guitar riffs, melodic harmonics? This sounds nothing like the Sleigh Bells I’ve come to know and detest at the same level that Churchill hated Stalin. Maybe this will be the point where the album takes a hard look at itself and says “You need to change, man.” Nope, I was naive to even dream of such a thing. This song destroys the promise it had by introducing strange almost-rap and Muse style breathing. Also, they somehow managed to auto tune a guitar. It must have been the same settings they used on Nicki Minaj, because only something that heavy-duty could warp the sound that much. They must have blotted out a star somewhere to power that software.

Leader Of The Pack:
So far, it seems to follow the lead of End Of The Line. This is a good si-- and it’s back to half-hearted thrashing. That cannon shot at the beginning should have warned me, but I chose to ignore it. How I regret that decision.

Comeback Kid:
WHAMMMY BARRRRRRRRRR!
BARRRRRRRRRR CHOOOOOOORDS!
MUSSSSIIIIIIC WORDSSSSSSSSSSSZZSSSSS!
DISTORTION!
Wait, distortion seems a little extreme, let’s just do overdrive. And let’s keep those 8-bit sounds from earlier, and the garage band drums.

Demons:
Rejected Motley Crue guitar riff begins, and so does my anguish. If only I could replace my memories of this album with pictures of cats. But alas, no amount of internet searches will ever cleanse this horror from my mind. Do you see now what I go through for you people?! I know you never asked for it, but you wanted this, you cruel, baseborn fools. So I must continue, even if it ends in madness or worse, appreciation of this “music.” My only consolation is that this experience is over halfway over.

Road To Hell:
Did she just rhyme baby with babe? Did she just do it over 10 times? Why is there an awkward bridge with just heavy breathing? Is it supposed to be sexual, or just remind me of a fat man gasping for air after walking back to his car with a bag full of purchased cookies? Only two of the questions above can be answered, but I shall attempt to answer them all anyway. Yes, yes, because... Symbolism? Lastly, nope, it’s supposed to be a beached whale on fire.

You Lost Me:
This is hyper 80’s nostalgia, the kind that even modern Hollywood strays away from. I thought Kurt Cobain smashed this style of music into oblivion like a llama in a car compactor. Apparently not. That llama is still crawling miserably from place to place, leaving the occasional kidney behind it. Why can’t someone put it out of its misery?

Never Say Die:
Don’t tell me what to do. I will say what I want to, Sleigh Bells. Die, die, die, die, die, die. That’s not an instruction, but simply a sign of my rejection of you. This is the same drum beat from “Born To Lose,” and I hate you for it. Did you run out of presets? I am so very done with the whisper, overpowering guitar combo, please make it stop. Please. Please. Please, I beg of you. Nope, it’s 3:40, but it feels like a timeless expanse of darkness and Christmas ornaments. Oh, I see that there is one more song on the record.................
Why?

D.O.A.:
No. I refuse. I quit. Out of 34 minutes and 28 seconds of sound that is on this album I have listened to 32 minutes and 27 seconds. That is all the time you shall have from me, Sleigh Bells. Your album is bad and you should feel bad. Leave me in peace.

Rating: 16 out of 253 fewmets.
This album physically drained my will to live and left me an empty husk whose only purpose is to stalk the earth in ironic Buddy Holly Glasses and jean jackets. Everyone has a right to their opinion, unless you like this... failure. If you do, then you no longer get an opinion, I choose your thoughts for you from now on. In conclusion, I can recommend Reign Of Terror in one circumstance only: background music to water-boarding.

What The Strike Staff Would Like To See Played In The Olympic Games

by Jon Schulte

We here at the Strike Magazine staff have been watching the London Summer Olympics carefully while also  following them for our readers, and kind of picked up on an all too familiar pattern. A lot of the sports, Swimming, Gymnastics, Diving, Volleyball, Track, Biking, they all pretty much are on whenever you turn on the TV. We at the staff started wondering, "Hey, what ELSE could be at the Olympics? I mean, there's got to be other cool sporting events that could be on the International Stage, win medals, and have the best in that event from all over the world compete!"

So, we at the Staff did what we do best, put together a medal winning list on what we would like to see in future international competitions.

Taking home the gold with the most votes was a tie between "Intermediate Level Sports" and "Skydiving". Now, what would Intermediate Sports entail? Strike has the details on this real "Up-And-Comer".

An Intermediate Team, with Olympic Dreams intact.

"Intermediate Sports would be another amazing Olympic event we'd love to see. They're the same exact sports, just dumbed down to an intermediate level with mediocre competitors. Preferably ones who are on a High School "B" team, any league that associates skill level with a color in the rainbow or a shape, or a YMCA Community Dodgeball team. Also, only basic knowledge of the sport is required. Like, the knowledge you get pretending you know what's going on while watching sports with friends who actually know what's going on." - Brett Stewart, Strike Publisher

Getting the silver was another tie between events, "Fight Club" and "Romantic Horseback Riding". Now, even though Fight Club won, we can't talk about it, so Romantic Horseback Riding would look a little bit like this:

A Gold Medal Worthy Romantic Horse Ride Setting

"Romantic Horseback Riding has to be done... romantically. They will be graded, and not just in an arena, these have to be special, and they need to be, as it would imply, romantic, along a beach side, as the waves crash and the sunset cascades over the landscape, although graded with extremely harsh criteria. Preferably, the event would paint a Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks picture, classic romance, and a classy Englishman who still uses a pocket watch must judge the event, so classy and proper, he will not be recognized by anyone, he must be hand selected from a random town home in Cardiff or a like area. Gold winners would need a random appearance of the Kevin Bacon-y sort, and the rest of the cast of the 1991 film "Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves", just so that there never is any real telling what romantic movie or scenario the athletes will be painting." - Jon Schulte, Manager of Operations

Down to the nitty-gritty, we had one event, just one, that did in fact take that Bronze medal. And that sport, is none other, than Sand Art, the act of using sand on a light table to create picture, like in that commercial nobody actually knew the name for or what it was advertising, except a man could draw an owl with dirt.

It's a lion.

"Sand Art IS A SPORT. It takes skill, talent, and true athleticism. It will be judged on the basis of truly... y'know... what is art? Sand Art will be... more breathtaking than gymnastics and more intense than swimming. Sand Art will just be... THE BEST SPORT. It will be judged by children of all ethnic groups, so there is no bias, and must feature at least ONE RED PANDA. But really... it will be a spectacle to see." - Malone Byfobal, Photographer