Expedition Journals #4

These are the expedition logs of Larson J. Pendelton Ross the III esquire, Archduke of Canterbury.
Transcribed into modern day English by Larson Ross, a decedent of the Archduke.


September 30, 1885:
Though not much for conversation, Jeremy Two has her uses. For instance, her body would make excellent kindling should I need to hail a passing rescue zeppelin.

October 1, 1885:
Every day that is spent in this frozen waste blends together, nothing changes but the phase of the moon. Well, that and how much I hunger for man-flesh; those two phenomena do not correlate. On this day, my cravings are low, as there is plenty of yetti meat, but once that runs out, it may become insatiable. I’d like to avoid eating Jeremy Two if at all possible, as she is fun to trip into the snow.

October 2, 1885:
Happy Obscure-British-Lord-and/or-Battle day everyone! Oh joy, the holiday celebrating our tremendous victory (Or possibly defeat) over some country that probably doesn’t have any real power anymore! Were I to find myself in the streets of London on this day, I could see the upper-class throwing fake gold into the streets to watch the traditional poor-scrambling. The fact that I’m missing out on this holiday makes me homesick, I long to look upon the faces of the cockneys as they realize that the gold is actually fake. Perhaps I’ll try to construct some fake gold and throw it at Jeremy Two.

October 3, 1885:
I couldn’t find any gold yesterday, so I threw some Higgins-bone, it didn’t seem to have any effect on Jeremy Two, except to put a look of absolute horror upon her face. In other news, the tracks seem to be headed south towards the sea cliffs.

October 4, 1885:
The low hills of ice are beginning to turn to plains... of ice. Several times today I could have sworn that I saw shapes moving on the horizon, but I know that no people live anywhere near here.

October 5, 1885:
A small amount of snow found its way into my boot today, AND I WILL SET ALL OF THIS ICE AFLAME BECAUSE OF IT!*
*Note, the rest of the page is filled with ink scribbles, scratches, and a small doodle of a man cheering in a top hat and a skull mask riding a bird away from a burning plain of ice.

October 6, 1885:
An arctic fox graced our path today, and made quite the excellent lunch. What was curious about it, however, was the small figurine that was in its mouth when we found it. There are many scratches and cracks, but I think I can make out a word carved into its back: Havij. What could it mean?

October 7, 1885:
We reached the sea cliffs today. I make sure that Jeremy Two walks on the side of the cliff at all times, I’d rather not fall. I suppose that we could simply move slightly away from the drop off point, but that defeats the purpose of the adventure.

October 8, 1885:
I saw it! I saw the blasted thing! The pandacorn was right on the horizon, but a harsh snow set in before we could make progress towards it. We had to set up camp, but with the size of this blizzard, the pandacorn will have to stop as well. Soon, so very soon, I will have the aphrodisiac that I came for!

Akane Fedde Artwork

This is an anime pencil drawing by Arapahoe High School artist Akane Fedde.

Prometheus Movie Review

By Brett Stewart

Prometheus is the highly anticipated prequel to Ridley Scott’s “Alien” franchise. After over three decades, does the series still deliver?

So everyone gets stuck on a spaceship, the lights go out, evil little critters kill each crew member gruesomely, and their robot friend betrays them. That’s the 1979 film, Alien. Wait… it’s also Prometheus. The film is a skeleton of previous films in the series set in a different environment with minor plot twists in attempt to keep the story fresh. It’s quickly apparent that this is the film Scott wanted to make thirty-three years ago, had he had the technology at the time.

What Prometheus has going for it is the minor plot twists that it did make. The film introduces a new alien species in the human’s attempt to discover their divine creator. Instead they find an abandoned test ground planet where this race was testing their ultimate WMD before they had to desert all of the facilities.

Being the stereotypical, cocky, and naïve group of weary travelers that this type of film usually employs, the humans naturally stumble into the middle of this factory, turn on the weapons, (in a sense) and chaos ensues as the aliens begin to pick them off one by one. Just as you think it’s about to be over, it’s not. You’ll find yourself half getting up out of your seat multiple times when you think the credit roll is seconds away.

While Prometheus a newly recycled Alien, it does have its moments. The entire movie is visually spectacular, and seeing it in 3D or IMAX is a fantastic investment. The film does a remarkably well job of taking ideas and creatures that made the series known for being frightening and disturbing, and bringing them to an entirely new level. From landing on the foreign world to the many attempts in trying to leave, the film does do a nice job of keeping you entertained despite the run time being a bit too lengthy for the film.

The Alien franchise’s time is over. The low level of hype for Prometheus proved that. While the film will tie up some loose ends, (even though you probably never questioned them in the first place) the Alien plot itself doesn’t meet modern standards. The original film is unique in the fact that it will remain ever engraved in the history of science fiction film making; Prometheus doesn’t have that luxury. Go see it. It’ll amuse you and it’s something to do on a hot day. Just don’t expect the return of the series to bring anything new to the table. 

Why I Hate Xcel Energy

By Brett Stewart

I really hate Xcel Energy. Last night power went out in my home. No, not last night, early yesterday afternoon. I was told the power would be restored within four hours, and the website I was able to access via my smartphone told me that it was a “green” problem only affecting ten or so houses, and I’d be up in no time.
    The power didn’t restore for eleven hours. After that, I had a glorious early morning where I was able to actually be productive, having missed all of my work the afternoon and evening before. The power went back out about an hour ago. I am now waiting patiently for the expected revival time to inevitably be pushed well into my afternoon. Thank god for laptops.
    So what’s the deal here Xcel? Google your name. Everyone hates you. You constantly add unexpected surcharges and fees to every bill and service. The biggest complaint people have is the inability to pay a bill online or even have a recurring credit card charge. You can’t do this?! What?! “Welcome to our monopoly, we run it like it’s 1997.” 
    I’m fairly certain you are one of the most hated names in the country. No one is happy with you. Look at any of your Facebook pages, it’s just people complaining about you constantly screwing them over or putting them off completely. If I try to call you to get service or tell you to get off your lazy asses and fix my power, I instead get a automated voice that basically tells me, “Yeah, your power is out. Sit down and shut up, because there’s no way in hell we’re getting your power on tonight before your smartphone battery dies and you’re left in the darkness.”
   
Here’s my mental image of how a repair must go down for Xcel:

Repair Man 1: Looks like a transformer went out on Grid 115.
Repair Man 2: Steak and Shake is right on the way!

~Three Hours Later, at the transformer, Steak and Shake shakes in hand~

Repair Man 1: Yeah, you were right. We did need to stop and get that car wash after lunch.
Repair Man 2: I think I forgot my tools...

    This is why I am adding Xcel to my list of hated companies that monopolize my modern needs. Sadly, I can’t live by candle light and wait 20 minutes for a DSL modem to download my emails before catching fire. (See ‘Why I Hate Comcast’)

Expedition Journals #3

These are the expedition logs of Larson J. Pendelton Ross the III esquire, Archduke of Canterbury. Transcribed into modern day English by Larson Ross, Descendent of the Archduke.

September 20, 1885:
Stephanie and Jeremy are gone! To my horror, I found my camp empty and half my supplies gone upon awaking this morning. No tracks betray their path. No matter, if Sir Reginald Roderic Nigel Charles Winston Walader could explore the untamed wilds of South Africa with only his wits and a team of slave natives who knew the land like the back of their whipped hands, then I could continue alone.

September 21, 1885:
I tripped and fell near a hole in the ice, my tobacco fell through, and I dared not go after it. It’s not like it’s worth killing a man over, especially myself.

September 22, 1885:
It grows lonely on the ice, so I carved myself an effigy of an Indian man out of seal bone. Oppressing someone again feels so good, even if it’s just a figurine. I named him Havij, I have no idea if that’s an Indian name, but it doesn’t matter, since I never call him by it, I just order him to fetch me tea, spices, and make textile products for the fashionable ladies back on the isle.

September 23, 1885:
I have written a code of conduct for true British gentlemen because I needed something to pass the long nights. The list is not so much written as it is carved into my arms (I have no paper besides the ones in this journal, and these are for dated entries only). It is as follows so far:

1. Be British
2. Grow facial hair (mutton chops preferable)
3. Excessive harrumphing is a must
4. Oppress the Irish
5. Make fun of the Irish for being oppressed
6. Realize your native food is terrible, and go out and conquer far off lands to find better meals
7. Own a pipe
8. Put the letter ‘U’ into words which do not need it
9. Reject bright color colours
I had to carve a line though one word because it was misspelled.

September 24, 1885:
The tracks seem to be circling. I hope to find the creature soon, as the longer this takes, the more likely it is that some weather phenomenon could erase the trail. What could the pandacorn be eating out here? Could I find some as well? I grow tired of yeti meat, but it’s still better than bangers and mash.

September 25, 1885:
I had quite the long argument with Havij today; it was on the subject of my sanity. Havij believes that I am insane, but I disagree. I ended up winning the debate when he spontaneously sprouted the wings of a bat and flew off in a huff.

September 26, 1885:
Note to self: find someone real to have conversations with; bone sculptures can’t communicate civilly.

September 27, 1885:
My suspicions were correct. I rose over a drift today to find a disheartening sight: the dreaded eskimo village which Jeremy had gotten us chased out of. Jeremy... I miss having a scrappy companion to harras. Do I dare return to the village? Perhaps they won’t recognize me without my party or my well groomed facial hair. (I made Johnson trim my mutton chops daily to ensure perfection, but with him dead, my face was a mass of scraggly hair.)

September 28, 1885:
I need warmth, I need company, I need breath which smells of seal and arctic fish to caress my neck. My need for the stripper-gloo outweigh the risks of capture and death. What I need most of all, however, is Jeremy.

September 29, 1885:
I rescued a woman from the oppression of the stripper-gloo and have placed her in my employ. (Willing or not) Perhaps employ isn’t the best word, as she will never be paid. Her former name is of no importance, as I have bestowed upon her a much more dignified one: Jeremy two.

The Rise, Fall, and Return of Saab

by Brian Heissenbuttel

            If you are a car fan and were paying attention to the news this past January, you were most likely saddened by the announcement that the Swedish car manufacturer Saab had filed for bankruptcy. As a result, production stopped and Saab seemed to be dead.

            Up until 1989, Saab (known as Saab-Scania at the time) was an independent automobile manufacturer operating out of Trollhättan, Sweden. It was founded after World War II, when the Saab AB airplane company was losing money due to a particular drop in demand for jetfighters. Their first prototype was known as Ursaab, a small two-door, two-seater coupe that had a top speed of 65 miles per hour, a two-stroke engine that would break down from lack of oil unless constant pressure was applied on the throttle, and one available paint color: green. In fact, almost all early Saabs were only available in green. Their early years weren’t very good.

            From 1969-1989, Saab flourished and became one of the most popular car manufacturers in the world. It was in this time period that they decided to make safety their number one priority and held the highest expectations for their cars. One excellent example of this was the 9000. Saab made a deal with Fiat to take the Lancia Thema and put the Saab badge on it. But when Saab crash-tested the Lancia, they were not impressed, despite the fact that Lancia thought the Thema was very safe. Saab made the necessary modifications to assure the 9000 could survive a collision with almost anything.

            Even though Saab accomplished all this, their biggest achievement was the 99 Turbo. Introduced in 1978, this amazing car sparked the 1980’s turbo craze. Though Chevrolet, BMW, and Porsche turbocharged a car before Saab, the 99 Turbo was one of Saab’s best selling cars. It was also their most famous car by a wide margin and it drew in a lot of new customers. Not only that, it performed well. It accelerates from 0-60 faster than a modern Mini Cooper or Fiat 500. It also has a much higher top speed.

            In 1989, General Motors invested $600 million in Saab, purchasing half the company. In 2000, they bought the remaining Saab shares. In between 2000 and 2010, General Motors often gave cars from other brands to Saab and told them to base their next model on that car. Saab deliberately ignored them. The 93 was supposed to be based on the Vauxhall Vectra, but Saab made a lot more changes than GM wanted. They changed the wheelbase, airbags, tires, body, and they developed their own new navigation system. All these changes made the 93 an amazing car. It was safe, luxurious, good looking, everything the Vectra wasn’t. Unfortunately, developing a whole car from scratch is expensive, and in 2010 GM pulled the plug.

            GM’s shares were sold to a small Dutch car company called Spyker. The owner insisted that Saab’s next model, the 95, needed to go on sale immediately. That meant Saab was unable to test and develop it to their liking, and it was flawed. It didn’t sell, and Saab filed for bankruptcy in December of 2011.

            Saab hasn’t had the money to produce a car since, but several companies from India, China, Japan, and Switzerland were on the verge of buying shares. But, on June 13, 2012, National Electric Vehicle Sweden AB, a division of NEVIS, bought Saab. NEVIS is a combination of Hong Kong’s National Modern Energy Holdings and Japan’s Sun Investment. Their first model will probably be an electric replacement to the 93, coming out next year.

            This piece of news may not seem like a big deal. But what many people don’t understand is that Saab was and will continue to be one of the most important car manufacturers in the world. Most cars today are built cheaply to save the company money. The result is a car that doesn’t cost much but doesn’t deliver. It will be unreliable and poorly made. Saab was the one company that set high standards that were met with every car they made. They made sure that every customer who bought one would get their money’s worth, and that they would be safe if they ever crashed their car. The car market would suffer a huge loss if they stopped production entirely. I’m looking forward to what they dream up for 2014.