by Brian Heissenbuttel
To the fine gentlemen acting as the NFL’s replacement refs:
First off, I
want to congratulate you. Not everyone gets a magical note that allows them to
abandon their current, meaningless life of hard labor at Party City or Dick’s
Sporting Goods. You are a lucky, elite group of men who live their lives in
their parents’ attic and play five hours of Madden every day. (If you haven’t
beaten the Saints while playing as the Browns yet, you don’t deserve to make
that claim)
Second, why
do you want all the mainstream teams to miraculously fail at the start of the
season? The last time I remember the Seahawks having a winning record
was…um…before my generation. Yeah. I do believe the Packers are good enough to
squish the Seahawks. But you stubborn, biased, or just plain stupid referees
decided to make things interesting. I’ve never seen a worse array of penalty
calls. Defensive holding, pass interference (or lack of such), offside, and
roughing the passer. This is football. People get boo-boos all the time and
they don’t need to be defended with a 15-yard bandage.
I don’t know
how the normal refs feel about this. Those who are mostly concerned about their
salaries were probably watching Week 3 with smug expressions based on all the
dreadful calls. (If you didn’t hear, they were
screaming bullshit after each bad call in Baltimore) The other bunch is
sickened by the way these abominations of men are destroying the fiber of the
NFL. Roger Goodell, you may not be losing money by the bucketful yet, but I
guarantee by the end of the regular season you will have to trade in your 90”
plasma TV for a 70”. Times are tough. At least you came to your senses soon.
Finally, as
a note to all NFL personnel, why did you choose this group of misfits for this
extremely important role? This isn’t Bad News Bears. You need well-qualified
people at each position for an industry as big as this. If you didn’t see death
threats from disgruntled fans as a possibility, then you really need to focus
your binoculars.
I thank the
people who finally decided that this had gone far enough. The fans will enjoy
the rest of the season. I think we can all agree that if the kicker did not
have two feet and an elbow in bounds, then the fumble was NOT wide left.
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