When Faking Sick Doesn't Cut It

By Larson Ross

Sometimes, you need to take a little “you” time. However, this time is not always easy to come by, for instance, your favorite show is coming on in twenty minutes, but there’s that pesky funeral that you need to attend. It’s times like these that you need to go a little extreme if you truly want to laze about. Exceeding laziness calls for desperate excuses. So if you really feel the need to miss out on the important things in life you can:

Set some fires:

There’s nothing more equally feared and loved than fire. Well, perhaps bathrooms, but let’s focus on the fire. Let’s say that your family is about to depart on the dreaded yearly vacation. Or maybe it’s an actual fun one this time, but you really just want to sleep in. In either situation, the best way to get out of this predicament is to channel your inner pyro and burn a few buildings. Preferably abandoned, but if REALLY don’t want to spend time with your loved ones, then it’s understandable to get some ones in use. If you’re feeling that motivated, then an orphanage is the best route to go. These fires will do two things: create traffic due to both firefighters and refuges, and (hopefully) keep your family glued to the TV in horror at the carnage. This, of course, means no vacation. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

Wolves, lots of wolves:

            Say you’ve got an exceedingly important test on the morrow, one that can’t be made up later. (Or even just a quiz, no judgment here.) In any case, the old fake cough route isn’t gonna cut it this time. It’s time to get drastic, and nothing’s more drastic than wolves. This one requires a little preparation beforehand. You’ll need access to several vans, friends who don’t mind risking rabies, and some chew toys. Oh, and wolves, obviously. The easiest way to get those is to go down the nearest dark alley and ask “Doctor Dante” if he can get you some dangerous canines. His answer will probably be no, but he can find someone who can. Allow three weeks for delivery. Once you have your mutts, it’s time to take this party to the streets. Load up the wolves (preferably at least 24) and head on downtown. Release two or three wolves every four blocks or so, and take any that you have left over closer to your school, so that no one quite knows where the wolves will strike next. Again, orphanages are always a viable target. Random mauling lead to panic, and panic leads to no test for you. (No test for you leads to both juvenile delinquency and the dark side, but that’s not important now) WOLFTASTIC!

Start a riot:

            Easy enough, easier if you live in Detroit, I see no need for explanation. EVERYTHING IS FREE! AND ON FIRE!

Secede from the Union:

            So you’re dating now, that’s great! What’s not great is actually spending time with the person you’ve chosen to date, who wants to do that? Your partner wants to go out on the town, but you’ve got other plans, most likely involving cookies and a couch. But you don’t want to disappoint this person, what are you to do?! It’s easy, round up some guys with mullets, shotguns, trucks, and at least two pieces of clothing with the confederate flag upon its grease stained surface (preferably denim).  Tell these boys that the time has come and use the codeword “Waffle Tuesday” and soon enough, all of Alabama will be up in arms! You’ll find yourself at the head of a moonshine-drenched, disorganized militia numbering in the high teens, so have some fun before either the National Guard steps in, or the boys figure out that they’d rather be watching some professional wrestling. As long as the attempted nation building makes it to the evening news, you’ve avoided building a meaningful relationship with your partner, and that’s something we can all get behind. EXTREME!